One day

One day i’m gonna tell.

One day i’m gonna tell his name. What he did. To me. How without even knowing it, he broke me.

But let me explain you the “fun” part first. I don’t remember it. The worst. How would you tell something you can’t not remember ? Well, I still have not figured this out.

Because my brain shut down. Because my brain decided it was not a safe place to be. Not a thing to live. So if my brain and I were not there, what there is to tell ?

It’s this sick feeling. This feeling that makes you want to disappear. Erase yourself. That somehow, months after and despite the blank, discovering that something happened.

Because my body do remember.

I know it for all the time that I see him accidentally and all of a sudden i literally freeze. I know it for every time that someone is talking about going over a “no” and i just feel like dying. I know it for the time I faced him trying to recovering sense from all this and his exact words were “ I mis-unterpretated your no”.

How something i did not record could be so loud ? Well i do know now. It’s because “he” was not the first. It was not the first time. My body already faced it. It had to find a way to end this.

My brain already tried to find an emergency exit. I have now this engraved very deep. And every time I might even recognize the slightest evidence of this happening again i espace. So from time to time, I’m not there anymore.

If i don’t know you and you’re nice with me i escape. If i don’t know you and you touch me i escape. If it feels the same, If I fear it might look like the same i escape.

But you know, one day I’ll be able to face the unknown. The unsaid. Because one day I’m gonna tell. I’ll be able to see clearly, not let you do your thing and find my allies.

One day you will be alone and I will stay.

One day I’m gonna tell.